The reason I wrestled God for nudging me to start this blog was the fear of putting myself and my marriage out there, but I have soon come to realise that no matter how we as Christians try to glamourize the grace of God and live in a bubble of brokenness and ugliness we hide from others so well, it definitely squeezes the life out of us and we are not doing ourselves any justice. We are children of God but we are not immune to hurt, pain and disappointment. Marriage is a way of life that God created for his people, just like life itself is challenging and unpredictable , so is marriage. So like my blog name goes I am going to be bold and tell you about the grace of God in my marriage without holding back.

Yhuu first year of marriage showed me flames, like wow I honestly don’t know where to start, we were literally putting out fires everywhere. Today Beast and I (my hubby) we look back and laugh, like did we really survive that hurricane of a year?! I often get compliments from friends about my marriage, how hubby is so helpful with Khanyi (Our daughter) and household chores etc. and I chuckle to myself, if only they knew the work that had to be done. Fairy-tales are created you don’t wake up into one; my marriage is my own relationship goal, you can have your Michelle and Barrack hahaha I am not joking. I agree that God is a miracle working God and he can fix our problems instantly but it usually doesn’t happen that way.

Relationships often have a similar pattern, first is the honeymoon, then the power struggles , followed by stability and then commitment, I was hoping to slide easily into the honeymoon phase, I mean we didn’t really date so a little bit of passion, romance and enjoying each other would make sense but that was not the case, we jumped right into the power struggle phase (I think deep down we were both scared of the leap of faith we took , getting married in such a short period), the second week of our marriage was a horror movie, I think the fairy tale bliss had a rude awakening like, hello sis? This is not Love and Basketball (it’s one of my favourite movies by the way).

Growing up all the cases of men in my life had one thing in common, fragile toxic masculinity, I saw through it and I never looked back, I picked fights with boys from a young age, subconsciously I was fighting my Dad and other disappointing men in my life, I had a point to prove but because of the abuse I saw growing up never did I fight with girls, weird right? I never laid a hand on any woman in my life (Except my disrespectful little sister, sibling things hahaha).With the mentality I had and the patriarchy instilled in my husband, if it wasn’t for the grace of God we would already be defeated. Myles Munroe said “When you marry a 40 year old , you are marrying 40 years of bad habits , hurt and ideologies”, he was right, a lot of our issues stemmed from 28 years of baggage and ideologies we both brought into our marriage.

I would like to start off by saying with Beast and I, “what you see is what you get”, we really failed dismally at the art of pretence. My husband is unapologetic of his needs and wants (well neither am I). Actually I had to learn that never ever come between the way he wants his sex and his food, he will fight you tooth and nail. So he made his expectations clear from the word go, they came across as “be my maid” that time when I met this man he was the cleanest and most hygienic guy I know, what changed? He had a wife now.

The demands kept on piling and it was only a matter of time before I told him to go jump off a cliff and not in a very nice way, that’s exactly the origin of the hurricane, where it all unravelled…like running down after a ball on a steep slope it was inevitable. All the advice on my bridal shower about ignoring things and enduring (bekezeling) went out of the window, our strong personalities came out in full swing, WWE RAW in a nutshell, and he prefers calling it smack down.

No one was willing to compromise their ideologies of marriage, for a while I went emotionally and spiritually blank, God where are you? I would cry in my prayers and I could see that Beast is also struggling emotionally, our fairy-tale was slipping away from us, the difference between him and I: Marriage was his greatest achievement while on the other side for me it was a blessing, he looked forward to it and it was given to me, I must add my husband LOVES being married and he never understood the need for me to adjust to being married.

It’s easy to point out someone’s wrongs and not account to your individual contribution in a misunderstanding because we are egotistical beings, ever heard that marriage forces you to face your demons head well it’s true, God took me on my childhood journey.Suddenly I realised that I was deep in my healing process, I did not respect men and it was a challenge for me to submit to my husband and as the saying goes, what you resist persists, there is really no shortcuts in life and as for Beast as much as he was brought up in a Christian home by both his parents (His is Dad good role model to him) he was battling with patriarchy, religion played a huge role in reinforcing it on him, one day we will talk about it.

However I have made enough progress to know that part of my marriage struggles stem from my relationship with my father and I am working on it…slowly but surely (Healing is not nice by the way).The realisation that I am not perfect and I am flawed allowed me to look at my husband with an emphatic eye and respect for his views and opinion while we figure out how to both compromise and sacrifice. I also had to realise that we are not fighting against each other but fighting for our marriage by learning how to manage our conflict….gradually there was constant peace and joy, one day I asked Beast why he changed and he told me that growing up his Dad used to tell him “when something doesn’t work out try other ways, there’s a solution for everything” in life.

We still have our little outbursts now and then, boundaries have been set in place and a certain amount of compromising and sacrificing have been introduced. I appreciate that my hubby and I set boundaries from the start instead of living in a fantasy that would have unravelled a lot of resentment down the years. We both know what we dealing with now LOL. I have also come to a realisation that marriage is a beautiful journey; God knew what he was doing by creating this concept (yeii it is nice here by marriage ville, trust me), I believe the greatest struggle in marriage is the people and their baggage not the institution and the key to beautiful marriages is to identify the root of the problems. Cheating might be a problem but abandonment from a young age could be the root? Therapists I might be on to something here?

To the unmarried, all I can is marriage is not a plaster that fixes everything. Prayer will lead your marriage where your efforts won’t take you but efforts are also crucial, you see? The two go hand in hand; one can’t do without the other. Let us pray with our spouses and surrender our marriages to God completely in every area, even our sexlife heii…woman on top is still a struggle.

Honestly it all makes sense now, why Beast and I married immediately after meeting hahaha yeii if we had dated for long we would have probably never gotten married judging from our stubbornness.Gods “will” would not have been in full fruition. God knew our love for each other and his grace will carry us through.

Thank you for stopping by. Please remember to subscribe to the blog, like BoldTiffy Facebook page and Thank you for taking time to read. The next episode I will be opening about how postpartum depression rebirthed me.💕

12 Responses

  1. Wow. A wonderful read indeed. Wish most women can have your great sense of analysis and focus to changing things for the better. Well, maybe all in good time.
    You are great.

    1. Hello Confidence ,Thank you for stopping by ,I appreciate your opinion….I hope this blog will continue stirring in young people’s marriages until we get it right.

  2. Just got married last year September and hey I’ve witnessed it “the first two weeks of my marriage were also flames”, but by thr grace of God i pray that we find our path too. Its not nice being married and always talk about divorce when things get fired up.
    Thanks Tiffy for such a beautiful stoy.

    1. Aww Than I, Thank you for reading and you are on the right place…..September is just around the corner and its ok to have a few shaky months….I’m almost 3 years married and let me tell you it gets better….pray and efforts go hand in hand

  3. Wow! Open and honest thoughts, feelings and experience put together in one beautifully written piece. I enjoyed reading it! I would highly recommend young people who are eagerly looking to get married to have a read, we need blogs as these. Very raw and thought provoking!!

    1. Thank you for the feedback B Matia, I have been getting similar feedbacks as yours …And they motivate me to stay on this blog journey.❤

  4. This is great, may God bless your ministry Sisi….I also had an opportunity to be Guided by your father in law “sbale” before my marriage…And when marriage showed me flames his words came in handy…. Now we grow getting closer and loving eachother more each day…😍

    1. Awww Thank you so much for your and I and support, Shale is amazing father to all of us…..May God continue to enrich and bless your marriage.

  5. Oh wow!!! I love the brutal truth and how you admit your mistakes too, now that is BOLD. I enjoyed this read, looking forward to more

    1. Thank you for your feedback Keke, hopefully young couples will relate and understand that the first year is normal and not lose hope all together in the instituition of marriage, stay tuned for more relatable content 💕

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