Marriage is a gift from God and it is the most challenging relationship most people experience, it’s in this challenges that have brought about the world being repellent against the idea of marriage , now we have young women and men asking themselves why get married anyway? Marriage is becoming more irrelevant as the divorce stats rise yearly and people are getting more “enlightened” and wonder why wear a white dress to have sex while it has become so easy to get laid. I mean women do not have to marry for economic reasons anymore, they lead big corporations and on top of their careers, so why bother with marriage?!A very pertinent question if directed to God before walking down the aisle, it could help save a lot of marriages before they begin. I will however elaborate on the reasons motivating this question.

Let me first start by blaming married people also for inflicting doubt in the idea of marriage, if we are not cheating on our spouses, we are saying horrible things about them behind their backs, because we are driven by our egos and sometimes when we vent to our friends , we never really tell the full story because we want to nurse our feelings and be told our spouses were wrong, a deadly vicious parasite that eats away our marriages subconsciously, a hope in the idea of marriage to our unmarried friends, but I think what confuses our friends is the long paragraphs declaring love for our spouses on social media on some “Love lives here vibes” that will follow after making up and we never go back to our friends and tell them, that actually friend I was the one at wrong and I apologised. Its time married people own up to the stereotype (Marriage is misery) they have been feeding to the society, well I know the stories my married friends and family shared with me while I was single , they probably meant well but they shaped the way I view marriage. I entered my marriage with their opinions and disappointments at the back of my mind.

Imagine if an unborn child had a choice whether they want to continue with life after telling them how awful life is, I mean throw in racism, murder, poverty and war in the mix , I don’t think they would choose to live, well I wouldn’t. In contrast from a young age we have heard horror stories about marriage, how marriage did women dirty for centuries and when you look at marriage from the outside it’s a normal reaction to decide the institution is not for you but also imagine if we had told that unborn child that there is so much evil in the world but the good news is we are fearfully and wonderfully in the likeness of God and that even though life has its painful disappointments , if we have God by our side and obey God then we will have an abundant life like John 10; 10 promises us. We will have the fruits of the spirit like Galatians 5:25 says, everything we will be added unto us when seek the kingdom of God like Matthew 3:16.

God breathes himself in every marriage because it’s his concept, that’s why it is impossible to have a successful marriage without God at the centre of our marriages and also that’s why it is important to marry someone that truly fears the Lord and has the Holy Spirit dwelling in them, I don’t mean a church goer as such(Though they are good enough because the word of God is incorruptible, every church goer absorbs the heavenly principles in every service they attend) , but I mean someone that has a relationship with Christ, I knew my husband is a keeper when he asked me politely not to use the name of the Lord in vain (Blasphemy), at that time while we were dating he didn’t seem like spit a verse and hold your hand in prayer type of a man but he later proved himself in our conflicts and in the way he handles our marriage and fatherhood in general that he is driven by God…like I honestly thought because I am more intentional with God with prayer and reading the word of God that would be better in marriaging and No he is not a saint, still disappoints me and hurts me, but it is easy for him to snap back from conflict than I do.After this few years married to him I always tell my unmarried friends to marry a man that fears the Lord but most of all that has a Godly character, with the issues I have, had I married the opposite of him, I would probably be back at home hahaha.

As much as marriage is a blessing, it’s not a fairy-tale brought on a silver platter for you to enjoy, it is an institution that brings together two people with different backgrounds, traumas, bad habits but it is also bringing two people that love one another and we know that God is love ,a powerful force that bonds together two hearts to eternity. So we create our own fairy-tale by pouring ourselves in the marriage by building an individual relationship with Christ as spouses . However I think for years our childhood traumas have been overlooked when it comes to preparing for marriage, especially pastoral pre counselling. It is mainly about what to expect but not taking account that real expectations are woven together with our hurts and disappointments of life. I will put together an example of a young woman that carries trauma their abusive father from her childhood and a young man that is carrying a childhood trauma of a father that was absent, both are not aware they are carrying the baggage, they are Christians and both serving in their respective ministries, the two are madly in love and decide to get married and problems begin to emerge one by one, not because they love each other less or they are not trusting God with their marriage but because of unattended wounds that have manifested in habits and traits, the point I am trying to illustrate here is that the problem is not the marriage institution but that people are broken , but not all hope is lost because they both have God at the centre of their marriage and they had a Godly intent for their marriage from the start.

Just like gold has to go through a furnace in order to be moulded and shaped into a beautiful jewel, so is the two young people, God is the furnace that will shape their marriage for his glory. (Please note that, I am not a psychologist, this is just my analysis).

I have shared on previous blogposts about how the divorce of my parents and the abuse my father inflicted on us, contributed to my disrespect towards men and which led to my inability to submit to my husband, also because Beast is patriarchal it didn’t help our situation one bit, he believed in roles and he had expectations of what a wife should be and oh man that unscrewed a volcano of the abuse I thought I had buried 25 years ago, when my parents divorced. It was ugly; it smelled like insecurity all over our marriage. A lot of marriages are built on broken dreams, painful childhoods, hurt and disappointments and different cultural backgrounds, so I continue to reinforce that marriage is not broken but the people are broken and maybe if we can fix ourselves before getting married by investing in professional therapy and prayer, then there’s a flick of hope for marriage

Once I was watching a movie Crazy Asians and the potential mother in-law told the American Asian that, the western world has reduced marriage into a happiness bubble machine, whereas with Asians (that live in Asia) it’s about building communities and generational family empires, it actually send me down on a thought process , the world is in a quest for happiness, if something does not serve us (happiness) we discard it and throw it away :friendships , marriages even family .Don’t get me wrong I am not saying people should endure abuse and repetitive infidelity (cheating) for the sake of being married but I always wonder what if we didn’t put happiness in the fore front of our marriage aspirations , like media has sold it to us ,a happily ever for every fairy-tale .From cartoons to romantic comedies it’s the same message, two people fall in love and they get married and live happily ever after. LOL I once had a crush on a boy that played basketball because of Love and basketball the movie hahaha, you see? What if before we got married we asked God what is his concept of marriage, why did he create Eve for Adam and what his will for our lives say. Was it for happiness ?Was it for people to live in a fairy tale ?Was it for serving his kingdom?Was it for sex?.Only him can answer that, if we truly seek those answers from him. Asians are doing something right that can be explored and experimented on.

I would also never advise anyone to get married for happiness, happiness is subjective, the worst thing you can ever do to yourself is getting married to escape the turmoil you have with yourself with the hope that marriage will serve yoy happiness but I would advise someone to marry because it is Gods will for their life and they are getting married for the right reasons. The first question you have to ask yourself is “why get married?” It is a deliberate and thoughtful consideration that will prevent a lot of problems, heartache and problems later on says Dr Myles Munroe.

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2 Responses

    1. Thank you Lisebo for reading the blog, and your encouragement and kind words, I really hope and pray that the grace of God will carry me on this journey ❤

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