Hello again BoldTiffy readers, it is been a whole two months of not blogging, between juggling online studying as the result of Covid19, to motherhood, wifehood and blogging it became a little overwhelming to juggle everything at once. I know I stopped blogging abruptly and for that I apologise. I have however taken time to write as many blog posts to last us for a while. We have a new Instagram page:@BoldTiffy, please go check it out and give us some love. I would also appreciate comments and likes on the blogpost and on the pages, just to know we are on the same space of thinking, different opinions are always welcome BUT delivered with love and compassion. Thank you again for your unwavering support thus far. A lot of people know that I am still considered a newlywed, and as much as I do not have a lot of experience in the marriage fraternity as yet, I believe my experiences navigating marriage can help another newlywed, or singles to learn from me or even someone with an experienced marriage.

So…I cannot change him but I can change myself, if you have come across my previous blogpost you will be acquainted with my opinion that is, marriage is two people that love each other but collide with different backgrounds, beliefs and trauma with the hope of loving one another for eternity, unfortunately because of the above mentioned its usually difficult for the two people to move past their differences but I believe through therapy, understanding who you are and empathy most of our marriage challenges will be half won. In our first year of marriage while our differences were at peak, Beast started changing his attitude and method of communicating with me, and it worked there were less squabbles, and one day I asked him, why did you change and he said his Dad always told him when a method is not working try another one, and in true essence that is how Beast is, even fixing anything around the house, he never gives up on anything he is working on until its fixed, without realising his change in the way he addressed our issues also is starting to rub on me, my attitude is slowly getting there, yes my husband is an influencer hahaha. Honestly as much as he has got that element right he still has a lot of work to do in terms of working on himself as a husband and a father, so do I.

One day I was watching Joyce Meyer and she was talking about working on ourselves as spouses:attitudes, expectations, empathy and eventually it will ripple down in our marriage instead of trying to change our spouses. At first I didn’t get until I was influenced by Beast, he changed himself and eventually I saw the need to change too, it’s not so always easy but I must say, but prayer is a catalyst of many situations turning around not maybe instantly but they do turn around. One day I prayed to God to show me, how I can change the situation in my marriage and I knew I had to work on myself first and stop praying God to change my husband. When you really look yourself in the mirror with the purpose of self-reflection, you will find the answers you are looking for, I had to understand that I had my own trauma, and the ramifications of it was spilling into my marriage and I had to work on it instead of giving it to my husband to decipher .I think that’s where a lot of marriages stumble, expecting someone to deal with your trauma with compassion whereas you the owner you have let your trauma fester without attending it.

I am not saying praying for your husband to change is not going to work or praying for peace or happiness or rather the success of your marriage will not turn around those things, but I know that life is practical and if you don’t deal with where your expectations and spouses expectations come from then we end up running around in circles. We have to have difficult conversations with ourselves and with our spouses and try to find where certain habits and behaviours come from. While we are having conversations with ourselves then we realise certain aspects ourselves that we never dealt with, I realised I was still scared of marriage deep down and I would project my insecurities and fears about life on to my husband. Self-reflection helped me to be aware of whom I am and change certain parts about myself and it eventually rippled into my marriage.

For example I recently learned that I am categorized as a highly sensitive person (Please google it to get an understanding of it) I feel deeply than most people do I guess that’s why I have a gift of writing and connecting deeply with people but the downside of it is that I expected my husband to walk around shells around me I mean behind the bubbly charismatic person that people know me as , I take things way to seriously, I am very sensitive to words spoken to me and because I wasn’t aware of that aspect of myself it caused a lot of rifts between my husband and I, he would say I am impossible (Now I understand what my exes have been complaining about, LOL) . It’s in my awareness that I am highly sensitive, that I am now able use it for the good (blogging) and manage my reaction to discussions and conversations around everyone or maybe before I “overreact” pray about it. The only way to change is to be aware of parts that need to be changed about yourself, sometimes you cannot do it yourself but a therapist can be able to identify that for you. After making necessary changes as a spouse, it will automatically ripple down into your marriage, the way you handle arguments and difficult conversations. The word of God in Matthew 5:6 , says in the same way , let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven.

A lot of unnecessary tension in my marriage was caused by both our pride (yhhu but my husband is worse hahaha) and I had to look deep into myself to realise I had to stop trying to change things I couldn’t change, the nagging and complaining had to stop, well it wasn’t bringing any positive result. I knew a certain level of transformation must come from me, I became intentional with my marriage, I do believe that the prayers of asking God to help bring change in our marriages stir a self-reflection journey, many of us when God takes us down that path we throw tantrums and are in disbelief that they are the problem because they had convinced themselves that their husbands or wives are the ones at fault. True transformation in our marriages comes from us(individually) not the other person, let God deal with your spouse while he deals with you. I must add though that while I am still in the journey of self-discovery, I saw changes from my husband too, I think we influenced each other eventually, hahaha. Before you complain about your wife or husband, have you looked at yourself lately?

Thank you again for always stopping by, see you next Wednesday. Remember to subscribe to the Blog, comment and like on the pages and on the blog and share with us your experiences so as to help each other grow.

2 Responses

  1. if you don’t like what you see,change the lenses you’re using to view it,i loved it,thanks babes! my question is “how can i bend(change) without hurting myself and perhaps without having expectations from the other party?”

    1. Hey Nthubi, The only way you change yourself without hurting is when the change comes from you wanting to be a better person for yourself more than for another person, I made an example of me being aware of my sensitiveness and it has some how helped me to change the reaction of disagreements, changing for another person will lead into you feeling like your bending and eventually because you will be doing it out for them you will have expectations 🌸

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