For the longest time I have postponed loving myself , its either I was too broke and I would tell myself when I get a job I’m going to do 1,2,3…or rather if I lose a little weight I would love myself better. Looking back I regret postponing loving myself because I’m currently loving myself in arrears or deficit, hahaa…Im trying to cover all those times I was hard on myself. The truth is I have never been really overweightuntil now, those that know me, know that I have a majestic structure, look at me calling myself majestic but here we are now loving me, going all out and being bold about it. I havenever looked like an average person and I would compare myself to the next person and every time I was around my petite friends it was a reminder of how big I am. My journey with my big structure started in Primary school when I was asked to tell the class what menstruation looked like that time I was probably younger than most of my peers and I guess my tall structure made my teacher assume I’m old enough to be acquainted with my periods or being asked to carry heavy stuff or sweep the class because I looked “older” than most of my peers. I started wearing adult sizes in high school I was a solid size 34 while my peers were still wearing size 28 and 30s, so that is when I started my weight loss journey so as to look like everyone else, at the age of 19…I think the worst for me was visiting my friends and their moms would throw comments that affirmed I am fat, maybe they compared me to their petite kids I don’t know but I hated visiting my friends, I still do. One time my friends and I had a crush on someone at church when I was still in high school, and the prettiest most petite scooped the guy, and she told me the guy said I am “huge”….huge guys hahahaha, I think for me that was the worst moment for my self-esteem. This is a summary of how my and self-esteem issues started.

Truth is, I covered it so well , my hurt and my low esteem by being bubbly and charismatic and normally I would joke around , in true essence I would be the joker around my friends, the crazy friend, well I think I took the goofiness from my Dad but I used it to cover my low esteem. Looking back I regret not loving myself, I look at my old pictures back in varsity, and high school and I think to myself actually, I was beautiful and I had a beautiful body. I had to forgive myself about postponing loving myself; I had an epiphany when I got obese after the birth of my child, when I couldn’t even recognise myself in the mirror, when the little things that made me love myself were swallowed by fat, this time I couldn’t postpone myself, I am a wife, I am a mom if I continue postponing loving myself, I postpone nurturing myself and eventually it will gravitate towards my little girl(She took her Dads structure too) and my relationships especially my marriage. Remember happy wife, happy life? Absolutely, it’s all true, if you don’t love yourself as a wife, you can’t love anyone else around you, if you don’t nurture yourself and your emotions you will not be able to relate to other people’s emotions fully. I realised that since I have done emotional digging within myself , I understand myself better and I am able to empathise with everyone around me better…..well I’m still not perfect in that aspect but I think you get what I’m trying to say. How would I teach my little girl to love herself when I keep postponing loving myself?

So after I had my epiphany , I realised that my life has gone by , actually 30 years have gone by and I have been postponing to love myself because I didn’t look like the next person, I decided it is enough!!I decided that I am going to love myself harder, I am going to look after me first , I am me before I am a mother or wife. I’m still overweight but I am working on it , but I love myself harder than I have ever imagined…I walk around like I am the only one that exists, after all I am walking around petite people so I can’t see them hahaha, yep I walk tall like a majestic creature I am. My tall structure originates from my grandmother,’Maathabe the late Principal Chief of Makhoakhoa clan, she gave birth to my Dad and now I carry her stature, her royal stature, my majestic stature, of all my cousins I am the one that took her structure, she was taller than my grandfather the Principal Chief,Tumane Matela who was rather very average in structure. I do not recall my time with my grandfather , as he passed while I was still very young but I had met my grandmother and that woman loved every bit of herself sometimes I make excuses like maybe it’s because she didn’t live a normal life like me , she was adorned and worshipped by people during her reign . While I knew this information before, this time it helped as a crutch in myself love journey and acknowledging where my majestic , beautiful structure originated, why I am made different and that I am cut from a different cloth, was a good start and the rest is history.

12 things I do that contributes to myself love journey(There is probably more, this list started at 10 by the way)

1. I pray, and spend time in the word of God, the word of God in Genesis says we are wonderfully and fearfully made, we are made in his image. I meditate on the word of God fully because it reminds of who I am.

2. I meditate good and positive statements over my life, some people call it affirmations. I affirm that I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am bold and brave…..I am a good Mom and a good wife.

3. I find things that I love about myself and magnify them by working on them so as to be excellent in them, the late Kobe Bryant said, “Do the simple things better”. It really does illuminate you.

4. I spend time with myself, ALONE!! Every now and then I go to the movies alone, or go to lunch alone, bath, put on makeup and my beautiful dress and go date myself. This is my personal favourite. It recharges me.

5. I put at least R200 or R50 aside depending on my budget and lay-bye something I love, either clothes, lingerie or make up .Put it towards something you love doing that most speaks to you and nurtures you, like I said going out on by myself is nurturing to me and window shopping.

6. Take a  walk , a young 3kms which equates to 40 mins a day , its self-love, I don’t do it to lose weight although it will probably help in the long run but it’s for health reasons. Loving me to know choosing health is good for my overall mental health and body.

7. Food, I watch what I eat, I have cut out on processed food from my diet and I have gone gluten free my husband hates this part hahaha but I have come to love myself to know that eating well is loving myself.

8.Speaking positively about myself , the word of God says out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks…I do not complain about how I look but I find ways to speak life over myself every time a bad thought comes into my mind.

9. I love doing make up and taking pictures and there is nothing that speaks self-love more than selfies. It’s a self-affirmation that actually, I am beautiful.

10. I save up for something big and bless myself, for now I want a pair of Yeezys, a lot of people know that I am obsessed with Kanye West, I believe I am worth those sneakers.

11. I actively and intentionally look for people my size as in structure wise like Ashley Graham and follow her fashion sense to see things that would look good on my structure.

12. I avoid people that speak negativity into my life, or if you are that important I call you out, if you want to comment on my body call it majestic, okay? Thank you. Fat and overweight are not part of my vocabulary anymore.

Above is just a list of things I do to intentionally to love on me, women are born nurturers and its common to find wives and mothers neglect themselves as they are nurturing others but becareful not to pour from emptiness because eventually there will be built up resentments but when you do it because it is overflowing out of you, it becomes more easier and natural, so as a wife and mother it is important to pour into yourself and love you first, it’s the key to loving everyone around you right. Remember Cav yourself, nurture yourself because really no one knows what you really need except you, validate yourself first because you are worth it.

Thank you for reading again, please subscribe to the blog so as to get a weekly dose of Boldtiffy publications. Thank you also for the readers who always remind me to post and wait patiently, I always take it as a form of encouragement. Until we meet again remember Cav yourself, Cav is a vernacular word, meaning know yourself or love yourself , well I am hoping I am right.

10 Responses

  1. You really are bold and beautiful, the reason o gravitated towards you in high school, form D, was because of your bubbly personality, you were always fun to be around.

  2. I love your blog and well written. You give valuable information. I love ur maturity, both spiritually and in general jee.

  3. I can completely relate. I have been holding back from loving myself and doing things I love because I have always felt that my family doesn’t have enough finances for me to do that. Always feel guilty especially if I see a need in the household and I end up using my savings to cover that need. I must admit, I have developed some resentment and anger because I don’t feel good about myself and I see myself stuck in one position. Being an unemployed wife and mum isn’t easy. You are always giving and giving of yourself but never getting back. Thank you for the blog, I am learning a lot.

    1. Hello Debby, Thank you for pouring your heart out. The truth is alot of unemployed moms relate to you, including myself. Its with the little things we can start rewarding ourselves and choosing ourselves even if is visiting home for a weekend ❤️

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