One of the pillars that sustain a marriage is compromise; I think we have heard it a thousand times especially when it comes to marriage advices, talks, seminars everywhere really , surely as a new wife I believe in some parts of it but I have also seen how over compromising has sucked the life out of so many wives. Over compromising wives are the unhappiest and also bitter, and I understand because how can you be happy when you have given so much of yourself that there is nothing else to give. Compromising in my culture especially when it comes to marriage has been exaggerated to women more than it has been to men and that is why we have seen that most marriages in our society are built on women’s backs and for me it was clear that when I get married I will compromise, but not to the point that it sucks life out of me.

I did share on my previous blog that my first year of marriage was hard for me, and part of the reason was that my husband felt his expectations should become a reality, and some of those expectations were not exactly my strong points, some of them meant I had to dig down from my weaknesses and try mould them to what was expected of me as a wife. The truth is one way or the other between the two of us one was bound to be unhappy, if I didn’t bend to his expectations then it would lead to disappointment and if I bend from my weakness it meant I am the one who is going to be unhappy. Unlike a lot of newly wed wives that are usually excited with their new found happily ever after they immediately emulate and take up the role of a “strong” over comprising wife, and they bend until resentment hovers them and I on the other hand I felt the need to present myself to my husband , my strengths, abilities and my weaknesses and made it clear to him that certain expectations that he would have to step in and meet me half way, well of course it erupted a lot of fights but I wasn’t going to try emulate something that I am not, because it meant I had to be what I am not for the rest of my life and that was not the marriage or the life I wanted for myself.

I would normally get side eyed by a lot of my married friends, they still do and I don’t blame them a lot of women wake up from the realization that they have been over compromising years into their marriage and its usually too late to undo what they have enabled, I thank God that I got married in my late 20s because I had seen enough to know what I want and I wasn’t going to play the game of bending until I break ,I was certain that my husband and I will have to eventually meet each other halfway, built each other on our individual strengths and I knew that it meant there will be resistance at first , which led to fights but I would rather get them at the beginning than having resentment my whole marriage. Today I enjoy simple things like hubby bathing/feeding our daughter while I cook.

I believe in compromise, I also believe there would never be genuine compromise without empathy; you see empathy is the core of many good things like sacrifice and respect. I will make an example of a wife that has an expectation of a husband that is in charge of their household, when a globe goes out the husband fixes it, if there is a car problem then the hubby is on top of things, but then the hubby is not like that, maybe because he never had a Dad to show him those things or the Dad was there but not present .The wife could be stubborn and focus on what the hubby is not and the hubby can try become the man the wife wants , which since it is not really his strong point and feels looked down upon , it probably will break him in the process, then resentments come flooding in. In such a situation, if the wife would empathise with why the husband is not built to her expectations then both of them can choose to leave the leaking sink to the plumber and focus on the hubby’s strengths, like him laying the pipe right if you know what I mean LOL.I hope you catch what I am trying to illustrate here that compromising to someone’s expectations is never a good idea, and also empathising with someone’s inability to be your expectations can relieve you of resentments too, because if we are being really honest, expectations are rather burdening to the other party.

I believe in compromise but over comprising eventually leaves you hallow, you end up with only the shell of which you used to be, that is where losing yourself is birthed and you can’t recognise yourself anymore .You eventually lose parts of you that your spouse fell in love from the first place because it will change you, the charismatic you is gone, doesn’t get her husband’s jokes anymore and doesn’t see the colourful side of life anymore because you are blinded by resentment. The truth is over compromising leads to a passage of being taken for granted to, which enables disrespect in the long run .Yet again, I repeat I believe in compromise but not the one that is dug deep from our weaknesses andnot met halfway but I believe that compromise is a form of serving in the marriage, and it certainly is easy to compromise from your strong points, like if a wife hates the dishes, the husband washes the dishes because he always finds it therapeutic or a wife that does the garden because she loves gardening. My point is serving one another from our strong points hardly leaves us hallow instead it enriches, but serving one another to fulfil expectations always ends in resentment.

Sometimes a compromise has to come from both spouses, when its none of each spouses strength, like apologising and admitting wrong or household chores , then we meet each other halfway come up with a plan that both works for the both of us. Take turns apologising to one another so that another partner doesn’t feel burdened with fixing disagreements, at the day end of the day compromise shouldn’t be one sided but must come from both spouses. Remember your efforts are limited but the grace of God is sufficient for your marriage, always surrender your marriage to God, he will illuminate you.

Thank you for reading again, please subscribe to the blog so as to get a weekly dose of Boldtiffypublications. Thank you also for the readers who always remind me to post and wait patiently, I always take it as a form of encouragement. Until we meet again next Wednesday/Thursday.

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