Individualism in the Marriage.

• “When you love something set it free, if its yours, it will come back, if it doesn’t, it never was” – My Mother

This is one of my mothers favorite phrases, I grew up hearing my mom saying it often and of course there was a frame of this quote on our living room wall. I think subconsciously it has been one of my life mantras, I genuinely believe authentic love is freedom. Everything under the sun doesn’t remain constant, either it evolves or it dies, hence products have product life cycles and organizations are always looking for ways to evolve, nothing is constant so is relationships. We have the Honeymoon, Accommodation, Challenges, Rebirth phases in one relationship, its inevitable. Relationships have a lot in common at the beginning, there is passion and excitement, we want to spend every hour, every minute staring in each others eyes…I mean we even steal moments watching our loved ones sleeping with butterflies rushing at the pit of our stomachs. Oh love. We call it the honeymoon stage. Where we want to do everything together, we are seen everywhere together. Its cute but its ok to let go and have a balance of both your own individuality in the relationship.

When you love someone you set them free, remember in the book of Deuteronomy when God gave us a choice between life and death, imagine creating something you love and giving it the gift of choice (Freedom). God loves us but still he gave us an option not to love him. I cant even stand the thought of Khanyi (my daughter) not loving me. As I recall my walk with Christ at the beginning it was all fireworks, I couldn’t get enough of anything the gospel, I used to joke about how I used to want to camp outside the church (hahaha), the love of God electrified me but as our relationship progressed and as I began to find new identity in Christ, challenges arose, and our relationship morphed to greater phases. “I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it.”- 1 Corinthians 3:2 is a testament that there’s different food for different phases of relationships. Now that we have established that relationships morph into different phases, during those phases individuals are also evolving.

I am not the same girl I was when I got married emotionally, spiritually and physically hahaha…well I am hoping there is some level of growth but honestly to be able to harness those parts of myself had to to do with investing in my individuality. Individuality is very important because it is what one pours into their relationship, your charisma, wisdom, nurturing, compassion and empathy. So spending quality time with one self is essential, like reading a book or going for a solo date. Interacting with other people socially that will stimulate you outside your relationship is one great example. A girls night out, over a movie night with your spouse is ok. A solo trip overseas (I know some of you can not think of your spouse leaving you for Bali Lol), or a weekend away. A husband hanging out with the guys is ok. The catch is the freedom, trusting that in the freedom your partner will still choose you. They will have the wisdom to balance their individuality and their marriage. Once there is clinginess and lack of individuality, a relationship tends to suffocate life out of people.

I admit I am guilty of getting caught in the honeymoon phase fog, but the challenge phase bursted my bubble and as time went on I realized I had lost myself along the way in the identity of my marriage, of course a-lot played a part like my post natal depression. Once you lose your individuality, you become empty and you can not pour from an empty cup. I had to go back to the drawing board, who is Tiffy, who was Tiffy before? And who is Tiffy now and merge it into one. Today I understand that I can not be a good friend, wife or a mom without being me first. I need to pour into myself first, invest in my individuality, after all, I am Tiffy before I am a wife. I will still be Tiffy after…..everything else. 

All the activities that we ought to do for our individuality sometimes require sacrifices and compromise from our partners. True authentic love requires freeing someone to become the best version of themselves without you in the picture or jealousy, having the confidence of your love no matter the phase it is in. Even with our relationship with God, he is there freely watching us become the best version of ourselves without any interference that we might eventually love something else other than him, but he knows that at the end of the day even if we deviate from him, when we do come back he will be waiting and knocking at our hearts hoping we let him in. (Revelation 3:20).

Lets have a chat in the comments section. How do you manage individualism in the marriage. Thank you so much for always reading, please share with your loved ones, like, comment and subscribe. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook:@ BoldTiffy.