Maybe you are the toxic one….

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”- Colossians 3:13.

Have you ever heard someone narrate a fall out with someone? Of course, the other person is the villain. Human beings are self-seeking in nature and it takes a few emotionally mature people to take accountability of their actions. Self-preservation has slowly become normality and cutting people off has become so prevalent and boldly promoted on social media. Honestly we are all probably toxic, just hear me out. I have shared on previous blogposts that growing up I had never been really good with confrontations as a result of my childhood trauma, confrontations with my parents always ended in arguments and fights and for the longest time, I hated confrontations. I would either pretend something is not happening or ask myself, how is this person oblivious to the fact that they are hurting my feelings? I grew up tired of taking in the hurt. It was inevitable, how does one carry on with life without confrontation? So I opted for the easy way out which is to disconnect by either ghosting or blocking that person out of my life. For the longest time that was my defence mechanism, very toxic I must admit but can you believe that in my toxicity I was still convinced that it’s the best way; they hurt me and deserved it all but I didn’t consider my hand in it. We are all heroes in our own eyes, in actual fact no one wants to be a villain in their own story. I have grown from my toxic ways, not entirely…but I am trying, Ok? It’s a process this thing but I have also acknowledged my toxic behaviour.Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, right?Give me credit. Unfortunately I had to let go of many relationships, some before their season.

The villain is always a distant entity out there raging a war against us with the hope to see us defeated. Have you ever considered that maybe sometimes you are the villain, the trauma you carry, your pride and playing victim rather than building healthy relationships. My marriage forced me to deal with this particular trauma of confrontation, I mean I couldn’t exactly block my husband on social media and it would go away; my best bet would probably not talk to him…..LOL. After a while I realised the power of standing up for myself and confronting and having uncomfortable conversations. I probably overdid it at the beginning ahahaha, not before long I realised people really don’t like to be confronted, how dare you show them they have faults? They were made perfect. I think I was taken aback of the fact that, confronting an issue doesn’t necessarily mean, you will be welcomed with a smile and affirmation of your feelings. The defence defeated me, haibo and then? I think we can all agree that most confrontations are met with an offense then a defence (if we are being honest, a fight), which later proved my childhood trauma right by the way. 

While it is easy to look at another person and declare them toxic, it is best to try and look past our pride, sit down and introspect. Introspections pushes us to accountability to realise the part we played in that particular story. That maybe you were actually the villain too. Someone once said when you stay too long in a toxic environment; you advance from being a victim to an accomplice. Marriage has taught me that it is easy to play the blame game. I have listened to many married couples talk about their spouses and guess what? They are hardly the villains. Matthew 7:3 says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye”. Imagine a whole plank, the drama!. Joyce Meyer articulates that, the minute you feel you need to complain about your spouse to God, you are have lost the battle because God wants to work on you, the relationship is between you and God, and God is working on your marriage(friendship) through you, sometimes we are too focused on what the other person is doing and we miss an opportunity to work on ourselves. At the end of the day, the bible urges us to love our neighbour as much as we love ourselves and bear with one another. The flesh easily takes offence and soon pride takes root and the grudge prolongs but if we would gracefully practice love and correct one another with love and ask God for the wisdom to overcome hurdles with the people we love, I know he will surely come through for us. He is a God that reiterates forgiveness so many times in the bible because he knows how much un- forgiveness and resentment withholds us from living the life of freedom and abundance that we were called for. Today I am learning so much especially with my marriage, to let go of things and choose to administer love, it is not easy but by the grace of God I will master it, in the mean time I have to practice long-suffering.

The bible mentions longsuffering as one of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:25). As we know a fruit of the spirit is an attribute of a person led by the Holy Spirit.Longsuffering is the ability to endure persecution and ill treatment. It also describes a person who has the power to exercise revenge but instead exercises restraint. So, how about before we cut people out of our lives we pray about it first, ask the Holy Spirit to help us introspect, forgive and ask God to give us the grace to look past people mistakes because we are not perfect either. We have become a sad a generation that is focused on happiness and we have forgotten to look beyond. There is a high rate of divorce because of the same very reason, people do not want to stick it out anymore and trust God for their marriages, the first sign of conflict we find a way out. We miss out so much on relationships (Marriages and Friendships) that were supposed to serve us and we abort them before their season matures. Maybe this is one of the devils weapons to hinder us from having a wholesome life, a topic for another day. We are so infatuated and entitled to this image of easy going, struggle free life but let us all remember to consult God about relationships around us before we decide to label people toxic, sometimes you are the one that needs a little bit of introspection.

There are really extreme cases such as emotional abuse that leads to depression and anxiety, domestic abuse, I think that is an indication for a need of separating with the person harming your life, and love them at a distance. I am a person that believes in separation than jumping straight into a divorce. I believe a separation allows you to introspect, reflect, forgive and helps a couple that want to try again to be able to reconnect again doing it maybe through the guidance of therapy and lots of prayers…. I cannot say it enough, PRAY, we are at war with the devil. We need to submit our marriages under the authority of the blood of Jesus all the time. Aww..*sniffles*. We have come to the end of the blog.

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