“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”- Proverbs 22:6.

When Beast and I finally decided to start a family, one thing was clear to me,I wanted a boy. My yearning for raising a boy started at a very young age, I was just worried and saddened by the quality of men around me. The more I grew up the stronger the feeling, as a result the night we prayed for God to bless us with a child, he asked for a girl and I a boy, well I guess we know now who is God’s favorite. I wanted to raise a boy into a Godly man and at least then I felt I would leave this world a better place, at some point I was convinced this was my calling. The truth is I am raising a daughter, raising her for the Kingdom of God and hopefully one day to impact her world positively, I am also aware that she will want to get married hence the question at hand for this weeks blogpost , who is raising her husband to be a righteous husband because I know the society, the church will mould her into a virtuous woman like they did me and other women. The current structure of Marriage is crippling as a consequence of the leadership in our households and society, and that has motivated my question at hand. Who is raising and moulding our husbands and the men in our society as righteous husbands? Or Godly men?. Allow me to reference black men, as I am surrounded by them in my society.

The brutal truth is that the quality of black men in our society is worrisome, for centuries men have been graduating into powerful and very important roles without proper character training and it shows. Our Politicians are involved in corruption scandals, Pastors in rape and sex scandals, C.E.Os offer jobs in sexual exchange, Husbands cheat and abuse their wives and Fathers neglect and abuse their families. The common thing they all share is carrying a spirit of an emotionally neglected boy inside of them which has led to the production of powerful men with poor quality of a character. A character defined by the Dictionary refers especially to moral qualities, ethical standards, principles and there is definitely something amiss with our black men when it comes to adhering to unethical standards and they lack principles to uphold to, which makes me believe it has to do with how they are raised by the society. Young boys have been emotionally neglected by the society so as to meet a certain standard of masculinity set up by culture. When I was growing up boys were taught not to cry. “Monna ha lle ke nku”. If they were more inclined to their emotions they would be called , “Mamas boys”. Now boys and girls go through the same pain but only girls are given the liberty to nurse their emotions, unpack their feelings and make sense of them while boys have to bottle them to signify strength. The trauma and emotional pain black men carry from their childhood to adulthood is now  evident for everyone to see because it has gravitated to other areas of their lives (Workplace, parenting, marriage ) just like a festering wound running puss everywhere.

Experts like Emily W. Kane (Sociologist and Author) say boy’s behaviors are more cultural than biological. Parents, relatives, peers, teachers, and the media send messages to boys that they should be tough, unemotional, competitive, strong, and powerful. Ephesians 5:28 commands the husband to “Love” their wives just as they love their own bodies. A boy that was raised not to be emotional, how can they administer love as a husband to their wife when they do not know how to deal with feelings, it will be impossible for the same boy to empathize with any emotional hurt or pain their wife goes through. The bible says “as they love their own bodies”. Now we have husbands that inflict abuse by kicking and stomping and using weapons on their wives. I think it is in this very verse it dawned on me that, someone that love themselves wouldn’t go around self inflicting pain no matter how angry they are with themselves but because we have raised boys that lack emotional intelligence they do not know how to love consequently it becomes easy to inflict pain and violence on their wives and choke them until death. The pain i feel when my baby girl goes for her injection, I always wish I could take her pain, that is empathy which flows from love. I listen to many wives cry about how their husbands do not know how to sit down and empathize with them when they cry. I cry alot, okay? lol and at first my husband didn’t know how to comfort me, instead I would tell him my problem and he would want to solve it or he would pass a remark like. “Argh baby it will be ok, things always work out”. I know but I am hurting please baby me. Sweetie? I am crying here? Hello? At least now he gets me my comfort food or sit at the edge of the bed just to say I am here. Awwww lol, progress. Have you told your husband or boyfriend to leave you alone, and they actually leave you alone? Helang?! Tell that to your best friend they know that is when you need them the most. Most wives carry resentment towards their husbands for not being there for them when they were grieving for a loved one and most of them can not move past it, they never understand how can someone that say they love them and not empathize with them going through so much darkness of loss. Cheating is one of the most prevalent form of abuse that is slowly becoming a norm in our society because a man does not have the emotional intelligence to unpack the hurt, the pain the consequences of the act, the humiliation. Husbands can not Love their wives correctly , Fathers can not give their children love because they are missing the key element of it, which is emotions. 1 Corinthians 13 define love in feelings such as kindness, patience, that it is not easily angered and it protects (Now that I read it again, I see why the devil would scheme and plant an idea in our society to take away the emotions from a boy child, so that he is unable to perform his role as a righteous husband). Although love is a mans’ greatest and only role to their family in the bible, it is the one thing they can not perform, wow, the devil, when i say he has been scheming against marriages. If I had time I would mention all the consequences of teaching boys to be unemotional and how it has scarred men, and in-return scarred marriages, as a result a scarred society. A human being that lacks the emotional intelligence is very hollow, it is easy for them to hurt other people around them because they do not have the ability to empathize with them and see the hurt in their eyes. If a young man (Stranger) breaks in an old woman’s house, rape her and steal from them surely this means this particular person does not feel any type of emotion of kindness and love, the sad thing is at some point he is going to marry someone and have children and the cycle continues….

As girls we are subconsciously trained to be virtuous women by our society and the church. It was embedded in us. We are taught how to cook, clean, be respectful, prayerful and the boys who teaches them how to lead their households? Who teaches them to be righteous husbands? Honestly, the quality of our men doesn’t match the standards of the quality of our women. Yes they are taught to be strong, but building a boy to be strong physically without emotions is creating a monster hence we have men that resort to physically abusing women. They are also taught to provide which I must say they work hard to attain powerful statuses but creating powerful men without emotional intelligence creates chauvinists hence we have men offering women positions in exchange for sex or men that think offering their families the luxuries without their emotional involvement. The women are tired of upholding and protecting men, girls were taught to stay away from married men and now they chant married men must stay away from us, and indeed it must be that way. They were taught to not talk back but they killed anyway even if they don’t, so instead out of hurt and bitterness they do not bite their tongue anymore. This imbalance has created a rebellion from the girls that were taught for centuries to be respectful and be virtuous but they are women now, ushered into marriages with men that demand respect but do not know how to administer love to their wives.

At some point I think the elders were aware of the damage this narrative (Men don’t cry) have caused, so like clockwork instead of trying to fix the situation they continued to oppress the woman more and ushered young wives with advises such as “Mosali o moma metsi” (A wife doesn’t talk back) because they were aware that they have created monsters (men with the physical strength but lacked emotional intelligence), so instead of engaging in a respectful communication in the household, they would rather shut down and use force to put their point across by intimidation. The society or culture or the church failed our men, they have really cooked up a mess, it continues to empower women with conferences, seminars and has produced assertive women that are in tune with their emotions and know how to articulate themselves well and produced men that do not know how to communicate but would rather violently act out, men that do not know how to lead their households well because they do not know how to love.

Here we are generations later, our society is still battling with gender based violence. Nothing is helping, this black cloud is hovering over us, we have plead with men to stop killing us, raping us but the more we ask them to stop the more our sisters are being killed. I think the answer is in our parenting, how we raise our boys, how we build their characters. How we continually pray for them and over them. How we purposely go against the societal norms. Teaching our little boys that it is ok to express yourself, it is ok to cry, it is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be strong all the time. Introducing camps in the church with the intent of building boys. More conferences for men that match those of women in the church. It starts with us by asking our Pastors, when is the next men conference?. The way I see it what better way to dismantle society if not killing the head. God has put Men as head of households and marriages and the devil a schemer he is, (Ephesians 6:11) found a way to disarm and take away the only key to unlocking a Man performing the role God gave him fully with excellence, which is to Love. Marriage is the devils greatest enemy and he knows without the “Head’s” proper functionality in the marriage, we have brokenness and that is exactly what we are facing in our society today.

We have to start them young so that we can reap the fruits of their adulthood later in our society. I made a comment that a boy child has been neglected for centuries then someone disagreed with the word neglect. I looked up for the meaning of neglect, it implies giving insufficient attention to something that merits one’s attention. Anything and anyone that is neglected will never function to their full capacity. Take for example, a neglected building will eventually deteriorate and will harbor bad things such as thieves, wild animals and it will not live up to the purpose it was intended for. In this instance a boy child for centuries has been emotionally neglected, and has been harboring built up trauma leading him not to fully function to their full intended purpose but instead hurt people around him. This is why today we have Priests that rape young boys, Pastors involved in sex and rape scandals, Politicians involved in corruption and  Husbands killing, abusing, neglecting and cheating on their families. 

The only way, the truth and life  (John 10:10) is our Lord Jesus Christ, he is the only one that can take anything that was meant to be purposefully broken and put it back and give it a new identity. I have seen convicts and gangsters give their lives to Christ, their life change forever and commission their life to Christ , become great husbands and fathers. Lead with excellence and character. I have seen big men cry at the alter during worship, because they are in the presence of their Father. God is a restorer , he makes all things brand new. God says in Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh”. When an Iphone is broken the first option is to take it to an Apple store, their creator because you are certain they will fix it back to the quality of a new phone, but taking it to a small techno shop around the block, it will probably work but it will never really function to its full capacity again. In my humble opinion the answer to the mess in our world right now is Jesus. If you are a husband reading this blog today and thinking, “I want a new heart of flesh and want a new spirit breathed inside of me. I am tired of treating my wife as a punching bag and scared that one day I will kill her andI want to do things differently. i want accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior so as to have an identity”. Please leave a message in our Instagram or Facebook inbox so as to have a personal talk with you with a possible referral to a Pastor as a mentor. I am sure you asking but what about the Pastors in scandals that preach the gospel, didn’t they surrender their lives to Christ? All I can say on that matter is that I always preach the gospel of Christ and I also preach the importance of therapy. Pastors, like many men with poor quality of character harbor childhood traumas they have not fully unpacked and unfortunately an unattended wound festers and it stinks, you can not hide it anymore. A festering wound stinks and the puss will will gravitate to other parts of their lives, then begin to show itself as form of abuse, in short hurt people hurt people. Alot of us carry some sort of trauma and most of the times it tends to reveal in marriage that is why I am passionate about opening the eyes of my peers that Marriage as an institution is a spiritual ware-fare, the Head Is disarmed, the Head is limping and unfortunately as long as we look past this very notion, we have lost the battle already. Let us continue to address the problems in our churches, in our societies, in our homes, to see how we can make the world a better place. Thank you for reading.

We have come to the end. It is always nice to hear from you, comments, addition, constructive feedback.Thank you so much for always. reading, please share with your loved ones, like, comment and subscribe. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook:@ BoldTiffy.

14 Responses

    1. Thank you much for reading, absolutely to address GBV we have to address it from the roots and start the work with our parenting.

    1. Thank you so much for taking time out to reading the post Andrea, hopefully this question will begin to show us where the root of the problem is.

  1. What a narrative Tiffy. Welldone!

    I am a single mom of teenagers, boy and girl, and I’d like to believe that I am raising them in the most Godly way I know how.

    My intention is to raise my boy to be the best husband to someone’s daughter one day. As much as he doesn’t have a father figure in his own dad, I am proud to say my own Father and my Pastor and his many uncles, are helping to play this role so well. Importantly I never forget to include my children in my prayers and, so far so good.

    Hopefully my little contribution will help build a better future society.

    Thank you 🙏

    1. Thank you so much for taking time out to read, your boys are blessed to have you as a mother not only that but as a conscious mom that is intentionally parenting her boys to be righteous men.May God continue to give you the wisdom, the courage and strength to raise those boys. Love, Tiffy

  2. Wow, this has been something I have been in my spirit and I too hoped for a chance at raising a boy child but God knows best.
    Reading through your blog I keep agreeing and sadnned that even the church does minimal where our men are concerned, like woman conferences are so big the men ones are not so much, if there they are never hyped up.
    I remember a preaching by Miles Munroe about how men are the foundation from creation it says Eve ate of the fruit and nothing happens its when Adam eats that we see change. Churches are full of woman and that isn’t ever going to be impactful as they are not the foundation.

    1. Wow So profound Katia the church is little to raise this boys or for men in general, we have to start asking when is the next men conference. The Eve part, is so mind blowing, I even believe that when my husband prays for things hey happen more than when I pray lol, crazy i know . If anyone never believed life itself is spiritual this should be it. It really looks like a perfect plan to move men away from the Kingdom that has come to fruition. The world as we see is made for men by men imagine what they would do in the Kingdom of God if the veil was removed. Thank you for your feedback, Love Tiffy.

  3. You know i love all your writings but today’s piece was just on another level. May God continue to use you for His glory!

    1. The support and encouragement you have given me Makhotso, I am in awe. Thank you you so much. Love, Tiffy

  4. There has bin a grave imbalance in the way men have been nartured. women hv bin made to carry the heavy burdens evnthough they are the weaker vessels, because men are not stepping up. By tht i min men do not understand (and are not taught) for the most and important part what it means to love. Its a huge responsibility tht is devine for tht matter! I think every evil thng tht is happenin with men has the hand writin of the devil in it. I dnt understand why u want us to cry s much as women do! Ke mang a tla tholisa e mong joale? Otherwise nice read!

    1. Lets all cry and release the pain and not bottle it up, let’s comfort each other, ha re thulisaneng hahaha. Truly speaking Ntate Makara, we need to be conscious of how we raise the next generation of men. Thank You for reading as always.

  5. That’s beautiful, so inspirational to both young and the old Tefelo, I just had a thought: compile them together and make a book, this is so good your blocks change lives dear.

    1. Thank you so much Mme Mamaruping, I will take that thought into consideration. I appreciate the support.

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