Peace that comes at a sacrifice

“I set myself on fire to keep us warm” – Jessica Mauboy ( Little things).

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – John 14:27

When I got married I was adamant and set on the fact that I am going to have a healthy wholesome marriage, easier said than done right? I had seen terrible marriages growing up and I saw them fizzle into nothing and leaving behind broken children. So for the longest time I despised marriage but I think I was crippled by fear more than anything, until one day I told God that if it his will for me to be married then let his will be done. He then blessed me with a Beast of a man to call a husband, however my quest for a wholesome marriage came at a cost…peace in my marriage. I fought in prayer, emotionally and mentally….I think in the end it will be worth it or rather I am beginning to see the manifestation. 

I have had conversations with wives suffering in their marriages and they all have one thing in common. They have set themselves on fire to keep the marriage warm. For the sake of peace in the marriage they compromised their peace by enabling patterns of behaviors that hurt them in the marriage but eventually it leaves them with a hardened heart filled with resentment. Honestly I don’t know why women feel the need to set themselves on fire to keep the marriage warm, maybe it’s mixture of cultural and religious pressures or maybe they feel they will loved less or it boils down to maintaining peace. In this conversations I am often labeled a rebel (Hahaha), maybe because I choose conflict over compromising myself. 

I have set boundaries in my marriage ( which often comes at a cost) but I am convinced that the both of us would rather not have peace until there is an unlearning that takes place or a reinforcement of my boundaries. The only thing I regret was before I used to do it in the flesh and would cause so much unnecessary friction but now I am wise enough to know to pray about seek guidance from the Holy Spirit and then obey and things run smoothly (Man I wish I was obedient to the Holy Spirit sooner ) When I was a new mom I was overwhelmed, and I would relay my dissatisfaction with Beast  with the lack of help from his side which lead to a fiery friction but I was relentless, I didn’t let go. (Lol sometimes I laugh at my stubbornness) I knew I wanted a husband that is hands on with our child and eventually after months of back and forth we became a seamless team. My friends and parents were surprised how good he was with our daughter. There was nothing he didn’t know about our child. I could go on and on of so many incidents that I refused to sacrifice myself for the sake of peace and how eventually after constant friction, they got straightened out.

Peace that comes at a sacrifice is not peace, it is a hogwash. A snowball of resentment waiting to explode. God doesn’t want us to have peace that comes with our own efforts, it is dangerous to our spirit and eventually it builds resentment, unforgiveness and it changes our core. Imagine not seeing heaven because of someone. I mean when Jessica Mauboy said she set herself on fire to keep the relationship warm I got goosebumps, such a profound statement, eventually after the fire goes out there won’t be a piece of you left, only depression. You die in the relationship or marriage. Peace, real peace doesn’t come with a price, it is freely given, it is a fruit of the spirit. You carry it within, it moves with you wherever you go. You do not have to create it. (Philippians 4:7, 2 Thessalonians 3:16). Hence I am willing to question things I do not understand, fight for us to unlearn and build without fear of shaking the peace because as long as God is at the centre of the covenant, Peace is not a fantasy,  it will always be abundant.

My greatest fear is to celebrate anniversaries in my marriage with a resentful heart, the need for me not to sacrifice my boundaries is to build a marriage I will be happy in and be proud of the work I did or we did in my marriage years to come. I am building a foundation of a marriage I want to enjoy, so will my children. Last week I talked about staying in your lane, that is how I continue to fight for my marriage by focusing on my relationship with Christ and then he leads me to fight the right way (obedience) but yeiii sometimes the flesh takes over kube tricky, kube tense (then war starts) then I run to God to calm the fire or storm for me hahaha, maybe I am a rebel just maybe but revolutions were started by rebels so I am good with the name. 

I pray there’s a newlywed convicted or anyone that has been married for a longtime. The truth is going against any system that infringes on you will definitely cause friction but when you do it with obedience and guidance by the Holy Spirit there will be peace that surpasses all understanding. I know this, I have lived it. It is possible to be submissive while also fighting for a wholesome, healthy marriage through the leadership of the Holy Spirit. 

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