“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” – Colossians 3:23-24.
Exhaustion, Burn out! These are common words we often use when we have reached a peak of our efforts with little rewards or no rewards at all. I have been there , I know someone who has been there, probably my husband has been in a very similar position. Marriage is hardwork, hardwork requires putting in effort right but it doesn’t come as a surprise that most married people I converse with are exhausted, coupled with resentment. Resentment is inevitable after putting in effort for years without yielding fruit but instead a hardened heart gradually takes form. Each and everyone of us carry a certain type of trauma from their journey in life, I always say marriage has a habit of bringing out the worst and the best in us, the worst is so ugly. Often than not the other person has to deal with our festering emotional wounds, our guest writer last week called it a well of impurities. When two people from different backgrounds, different childhood and life journeys are joined together in a covenant, the bible says “The two shall become one”, it also says “Iron sharpens iron. This scriptures carry so much depth, becoming one is a process, it doesn’t happen in a fortnight, sharpening each other causes friction, if you have seen an iron or steel chiseled, there is sparks of fire while joining two irons. While in the process of becoming, while we are trying to work things out, repeatedly reinforcing, unlearning, it is common to feel drained, exhausted and burned out.
While working on our marriages, we often pray less and consult God less and use our own efforts, wisdom and sadly listen to our emotions more. This is pride, the bible says Pride comes before a fall (Proverbs 16:18). The idea that we can do marriage with our own efforts and wisdom, is one of the devils deadliest weapons on the marriage covenant. Our own efforts or wisdom while working on the marriage puts so much strain on us emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. When you submit out of your own effort it becomes a chore and it is not sustainable. When you love your wife according to the standards of the world not how God wants you to love your wife it eventually becomes a chore and not sustainable. When you keep peace in the home by avoiding arguments, instead you are trading away your own peace for resentment and eventually it becomes a chore and it’s not sustainable. All this efforts I have mentioned will yield a certain change for a short while but soon all will return back to default settings or better yet grow into a bigger monster. Have you ever promised your husband you will stop doing something but after a few months something triggers you and you return back to the very same thing you promised you will never do? Or have you ignored a certain toxic behavior from your spouse that you are hoping he will outgrow but years later they are still doing it and worse when you complain about it you seem to be the unreasonable one? Human efforts only yield to a certain degree, its a simple life law, because if it wasn’t the case then most of us we would all be rich because we work very hard, the only thing that sets us apart in life is Jesus. 1 Peter 2:9 declares that once you choose to do life with Jesus, we are the chosen generation, the royal priesthood, his special people. Ephesians 3:20 says God can do Exceedingly and abundantly through his power that is working in us. The same thing applies in marriage, marriage is a covenant of three, God, husband and wife so why strain yourself? When you have God in your midst?
“I am married to the covenant”, I tell myself this all the time I seem to forget and try to do things on my own. When I try to yield out of my efforts. Being married to the covenant means, first my relationship with Christ and only then he will be able to give me the wisdom to know the areas I need to work on myself, he heals me at my own pace with gentleness, which eventually makes the yoke easy. I shared on the previous blog how God healed my trauma I had about men which lead to me not to trust them and which lead to my inability to submit . should have forced myself to submit because it is what I am supposed to do, I would probably would have continued to default after I made changes because it wouldn’t have came from my spirit but my own efforts but I think more than anything would have built resentment. It is when I am vulnerable with the Holy Spirit, he guides me, counsels me and shows me the direction. It’s God and I, in the covenant working together and I meet my husband in the middle where he has been working with God. A marriage like Heaven. Everyone is doing their part without focusing on the other. In short when we use our own efforts to try heal ourselves or marriage, we live more on the flesh than the spirit. It is the same as putting a plaster on a festering wound, that is why instead of a behavior from a spouse is changing, your heart is hardening. When you are married to the covenant, you believe in the covenant and trust that the the covenant will sustain you. It is the most freeing conviction, knowing that he who started our union will complete it.
In this conviction I just listen to the Holy Spirit, the scripture and pray and trust in God and hang on to my new best friend (Although we fight alot) Obedience. Now someone will ask, I am not married to a believer, it’s not going to be easy because they will not be doing the “work” or they will be doing it out of their own efforts, which is working with God in the covenant meaning you will be working with God in the covenant alone this is the part where God warns us about being yoked with non believers. It’s straining but the beauty of the covenant or the design is that even if you are the only one doing the work with God, you will still yield the rewards, it will be straining spiritually as you will be covering the other person but emotionally and mentally you will receive peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:18). Out of the obedience of one spouse, Gods purpose with your marriage will prevail.
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a friend/confidant and she said to me, I don’t understand how you are still so much inlove with your husband after your challenges. I was taken a back by the statement because it is not something I thought about but she was right. Why was it so easy for me to fall inlove whhith the same man I bicker and have arguments with? But finally after going back and forth in my mind, it finally made sense, it is because I am married to the covenant, God and my husband, that is where the love I have for my husband springs from. If I had to love my husband because of his efforts or abilities, I would probably have fallen out of love with him a long time ago. If I had to force myself to forgive my husband out of my own human abilities, I would probably have carried resentment. If I had to give grace towards him out of the goodness of my own heart, I would probably have ran out of the grace for myself or him. Choosing to do life with God is choosing wisdom but more than anything freedom, he does say in his word that his yoke is easy, and indeed it is easy. I enjoy marriage more when I let go of my pride to do it myself but instead listen to the Holy Spirit.
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