By Guest Writer, Moabi Makara

“”Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.”- Proverbs 5:18-19.

I have had to learn along my journey in marriage that sex is not a chore, we do not have to do it every day. Sex is more akin to tango, or meditation or yoga. It is not a sprint to the finish line. It is a time to connect with your spouse, emotionally, spiritually and physically; to busk in each other’s affection and embrace. It’s a fusion of two energies, from your spouse and yourself. It’s a time to pour into each other everything beautiful we feel and cherish about the other via touch and caress. It’s like music; its synonymous with rhythm, harmony and unison where every stroke expresses the tenderness with which you embrace your spouse, where every hug communicates of the highest affections by which they are bound to you, every clench and squeeze tells of the passion that burns in your veins for your spouse.

Sex serves in several capacities in our marriages. First and foremost, sex was created for procreation. Perhaps that is the most primary reason for its existence in our lives, to multiply the human species. Men do not need a reason to have sex, they want to have sex when they are happy, when they are sad, even when they are depressed sex will lift their spirits. I guess we need to keep multiplying no matter our situations. On the other hand, women do need a reason to have sex, that is why they tend to be exclusive with who they have sex with. A right environment needs to be created for them, an environment of trust and commitment. In the previous blogpost I wrote “still waters run deep”, I did mention this, that women need to be comfortable with you before they can have sex with you, that a certain process/ build up ought to have taken place to create that safe environment. Therefore, the quality and quantity of sex will say everything about the state of your relationship. It will be like a litmus test as to the quality of your marriage.

Most of us men, think that marriage gives us the right or authority to pound on our wives whenever we feel like it. That our wives are our sexual slaves, objects of our sexual gratification to quench the ever unsatiable animal propensities that are fuelled by our obsession with pornography and perverse imagination. A lot of marriages could be healed if men abstained from pornography and learned to show restraint in the indulgence of sexual perversion. The bible says we ought not to “ deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer...”. 1 Cor 7:5, and we often misinterpret that as to say our spouses are obligated to have sex with us whenever and despite whatever. Sex is a spiritual exercise, but we have unfortunately reduced it to a mechanical exercise to gratify our sexual desires as men, more often to the neglect of our better half. Our wives are not our sex slaves. The verse is not talking to you or me in the first person, it is talking to the second person (your spouse) to say that we must always be ready to entertain the other. It is not saying it is ok and within your rights to force yourself onto your spouse. I am intentionally using this strong language because a lot of times women engage in sex out of duty more than out of passion. And we know it when it happens because it will almost feel like they are being raped. That is what we usually refer to as bad sex, and its terrible for both parties involved. This usually indicates some underlying and unresolved issues between the two of you, thus sex becomes a sounding board to project all the grudges and resentment that we may try to hide.

When we encounter such the devil then begins to whisper and suggest all sorts of nonsense, that we are not sexually compatible etc, all while encouraging and tempting the two into extra marital affairs. In my opinion sexual promiscuity is overrated! All vaginas have the same anatomy. 

The only difference between good and bad sex is the level of sexual tension you create/develop in your relationship. Tension is just another way to say be committed to seducing your wife, be creative while at it. Granted, the prospect of a different partner every other day may be exciting to some; new things (first touch/first kiss) are supposed to make us feel that way, but sex is sacred and every woman who has seen your ‘nakedness’ will automatically lose respect for you and continue even to despise your wife. Promiscuity is no different to resorting to liquor to escape your problems; when you are sobered up, the problems are still there, or worse u have created even more. It is better to deal with the monster you know than to go out and invite even more trouble. It is cowardice even.

It is very disheartening that sometimes couples do not fulfil each other sexually, and that somewhat accounts but will never excuse why infidelity is so rampant even amongst Christians. All because we have neglected or taken for granted that sex is an expression of intimacy between a husband and a wife. Oxytocin (a hormone that is released during sex) will do its work of bonding us together during intercourse but more often than not sex is a result, an index of the intimacy that is already present between spouses. A healthy sex life is an attestation to a healthy marriage. As husbands let us stop complaining/nagging our wives about the quantity or the amount of sex we are getting rather let us focus on the quality of our relationship as that will not only lead us to increased quantity but also the quality of our bonding sessions.

On the previous blogpost sex as worship, we alluded to sex as a fine dining experience, as worship. Worship is the highest service that we can render unto God. It is also fitting therefore, because in between the sheets experience is the highest service that we can render to each other. It is the culmination and expression of the highest affections and love that bind us together. It is holy and solemn. It is a journey of discovery and exploration. Explore each other’s bodies and find all the sensitive spots. Do not be hurried and hasty to penetrate your missus. Most of the sensitive spots are outside and just by the entrance so size really does not matter. You can literally set her off without or with minimal penetration if your build up is right. Forget about yourself and focus on her, not how hot she is or how you may embarrass yourself. “You create that which you are afraid of” Joshua Maponga. Think positive thoughts, like how exciting it would be to set her off and get her to wet the sheets even. Take it slow and breathe deep, do not allow yourself to be too excited. Learn to control your thoughts and direct them away from your genitals and your anxiety. Just touch her, our body is a vast network of nerves. A massage is a winner for this, it will even get the blood and other juices flowing. Kiss and nibble away at the sensitive spots and have fun, always being mindful of what she is into. Your goal is to have her go first, but even if you go first stay with her until she goes, then you would have successfully concluded the worship service.

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6 Responses

  1. I’m not married but this is really educational. I feel like everybody needs to hear this,,I’ve been saying this but you said it soo much better. Thank you for the knowledge and may God keep giving you wisdom to discover more.

    1. Thank you for the blessing Thakane, im glad you learned something from the piece. We appreciate the time and trouble.

  2. It’s always refreshing to hear from a man or a husband perspective. Thank you again for contributing to the Marriage ministry with your wisdom. God bless

  3. Well said Mofokeng, conversation that men need to talk about more and understand how women are supposed to be treated like when it comes to sex and respecting thier partners. This is your wife “ha Chaka “😂😂

    1. Ahahaha, I agree Ntate Makara has to have a mens conference, he speaks so much wisdom. Thank your for reading as always

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