“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love” – 1 John 4:18

While I am still pursuing a life of intent, which I have written about on last weeks blogpost, I also realised that intent is birthed by two feelings Love or fear. Without knowing we could be intentional but our intent driven by fear. A decision or choice made out of fear limits while the one made out of love is freedom. Recently I was playing with my  almost four year old daughter, busking in her cute laughter and delight, I immediately got overwhelmed by sadness, fear to be exact. The feeling endowed me with restraint to not fully appreciate my daughter because life has taught me that nothing good ever last. I immediately realised that this is how I have been navigating relationships and I have the ability to switch my emotions on and off easily. I have been driven by fear of loss, as adults we are a reflection of our childhood or better yet our experiences, I have experienced great loss and I am aware of the ramifications and the alterations it brought onto my life. I genuinely didn’t realise that loss had contributed to my ability to fully love, it became too obvious when I had feeling to restraint myself from fully loving my daughter, which made me realise that I had been restraining myself to fully love my husband because he could leave me one day. I probably have navigated relationships and friendships this way all my life but didn’t realise it until that fateful day when trauma paralysed me.

I have dealt with many marriages and I normal tend to focus more on the “why”, the root of the behaviour because it helps in unpacking the real problem than dealing with the symptom. There’s trauma that comes with being a first born, trauma from divorce of parents, trauma from being cheated on in relationships, trauma from abuse or accidents. Traumatic experiences change people, it’s a psychological fact, it’s only through self awareness, one is able to heal and restore. Usually when someone tells me about their marriage problem, I always ask “what is your participation in the problem?”, as an opportunity for them to reflect and self introspection and the minute they say “I know I have my faults” without articulating those faults hahaha, I see someone that is still clinging into their pride and focusing on being the victim. (Please be advised this does not apply in abuse or cheating). The story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), is a great example of restoration taking place after self introspection, at the very moment while eating spoils with pigs, he remembered who he was. In life there are two people, people that self introspect under pressure and people that are motivated to self introspect because of obedience to the Holy Spirit, Psalm 139:23-24, “Search me God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting,” reminds us of exactly that. It’s only through healing and restoration we are driven by love because fear is motivated by trauma. This is why the blog concentrates more on the brokenness and healing because it’s very important to be incognisant of who we are, search our iniquities so that we are able to learn. When one is driven by love, every decision , action is motivated by love.  Choosing to intentionally love your spouse, and loving them loudly is motivated by love but choosing not to love your spouse loudly because your afraid you could lose them at some point or they will embarrass you it’s a decision motivated by fear. Choosing a silent treatment as a form of conflict resolution is an intent but and intent motivated by fear……

I would assume when I say pray for your marriage, that you imagine miracles will start striking in your marriage and everything will be restored and become brand new, which is still very much possible because nothing is impossible for our God but sometimes it is a process of healing before the restoration, and all it takes is self introspection. Sometimes it really isn’t a warfare on your marriage or life but just a malfunction of character, who you have become and unfortunately you can not do the work for your spouse, they have to go through exact emotional and spiritual evolvement that is why we ought to be equally yoked so that we don’t end up being strained carrying the whole marriage on our shoulders.

God is love, and we have been made from his image so our mandate as children of God is to love. However our experiences of life snowball into monsters that cripple us and restrain us from fully living our purpose, “Love”. With every word uttered, decision made, action taken, ask yourself is this motivated by love or fear….it starts there progressively, you will find the little kid buried inside of you by trauma. I do not know what the future holds for me and my family, all I know is being driven by love is freeing, all I have to do is trust God and lean not on my understanding,( Proverbs 3:5). 

Just like that we have come to the end of the blogpost. Thank you for reading as always, If your new to our blogsite feel free to binge read from the beginning. I am still trying to juggle writing and YouTube as it requires my time. Please remember to tell your friends about the blog and the new platform, YouTube and subscribe @boldtiffy. I love you all and Thank you for the love and support. 

4 Responses

  1. Weather is a blogspot or YouTube video, the way God used u and still is using you to open our eyes to the truth, for me its the reason Wednesday is engraved in my memory as a day where I know I will recieve some wisdom weather for my marriage , friendships or just for me…

    Thank you for constantly doing the work. It makes it possible for the rest of us to start somewhere.. I could write a book about this blog..

    1. Thank you so much Amanda, you are going to make cry …every comment encourages and motivates me especially in times when I feel like giving up. I am glad, the blog brings value in your life.

  2. We are what we got through, but we also have the power of choice, to heal or ignore. Both very very hard to work through. God have mercy

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